The other night, I took a call from someone struggling with themselves. A quite pleasant call otherwise. She were very nice, polite and I hope I talk to them again.
But her struggle was heavy and they explained that their journey has been a bumpy one. They like girls. They like guys. They identify as queer. At one point in life, they thought they were trans. My caller watched gay porn during our call but she was super sensitive to whether or not it offended me. She asked again and again whether or not I found it gross not because of the porn itself but because she was liking the porn. I sensed very little peace from them, in their spirit. I soon realized that I was only seeing a fraction of her struggle and that the rest was internal. It made me think about all that they are holding in, and how much they don’t let anyone see.
Well, I’m going to tell you what I told them. And I realize that you may say ‘Well, this is easy for you to say, Amber. This is the life I’m living and you don’t understand how it is for me and what I’ve gone through.’ You’re right. I don’t know your personal struggle and all the pain you’ve had. And I won’t pretend I do.
But I do know that alot of the pressure we put on ourselves is based on either what we’re holding ourselves to, or what we’re allowing others to hold us to. I am aware that religion, culture, tradition, upbringing and values instilled in us from an early age can weigh heavily on us. But what happens when you move away from the loved ones who raised you and have your own place? You’re in charge. You pay the rent. You can eat ice cream for breakfast. You can stay up and wear pajamas all day or have sex in your own bed. It’s no one’s business and if someone doesn’t like it, so what? It’s not their life. As long as you’re taking care of the things that matter, that’s all you’re required to do.
The same goes for who you are. It’s no one’s business. It’s your life. But there’s such a need to feel like you have to be one thing or another, that you have to label yourself, that you must fit into a category. And if you don’t, there’s no place for you. But there is a place for you. And if you’re the first of your kind and no one can define you, own it! Don’t let other people’s hang-ups, fears, closed-minded behavior or ‘the way it’s always been’ pressure to define you, downgrade you or make you feel like you’re a freak or abnormal. You can like who you want to, love who you want to, dress like a man, dress like a woman and switch everything you liked last month.
You wouldn’t allow someone to come into your home and trash the place. And yet, how much have you allowed people to trash you inside your head and heart and now maybe you’re trashing yourself? You are not wrong or bad. Give yourself permission to be yourself and forget labels. Be yourself. Ask yourself: Am I a kind person? Am I a loving, helpful, open minded, responsible and honest person? Do I accept others? Do I do the right thing? Do I want to make the world a better place?
Those things we work on. As long as you are taking care of the things that matter, that’s all you’re required to do. Fuck the rest and anyone else who says otherwise.
❤❤❤ — Amber
